Day 31

It’s been a while but I spoke with mom today. Cause I will miss her birthday tomorrow due to the business trip. Next week dad’s birthday, I am not quite sure as well.

I hesitated whether I should tell her or not cause I didn’t want to make her worry me but I told her about what I have been through. Long talk. Lots of thinking. She told me lots of advices and one thing that hit me hard was she knew this and she told me why not rely on parents.

Lots of strings attached in life, sometimes it’s good to give up or walk away. I always confused between attachment and love, especially with regards to people.

I comprehend, attachment is based on fear and love is based on giving. But, I mix this a lot. I don’t know why but I do. This creates sometimes confusion, sometimes hurts.

So, due to this confusion creates pain, I had a tendency to give up both. Because I don’t know which one is which. I rather give up both to avoid hurting myself. Nowadays, I am getting better, more understand what love is. However, attachment is something I cannot segregate.

Another thing, attachment to work. My mental disease is coming from work and I am not the only one suffering this disease. One of closest colleagues told me the other day his having hard time. I was so sad cause I know exactly why he’s getting this.

Because, this company is not a company. Company should be based on a sound system – process / policies / people. This company is only a disorderly crowd at best. Management does not know what to do, and there are no people who do the work either.

Due to this, I was abused entire tenure here without any appropriate compensation. I did extra miles, outside of my role and now they realized that that was so unfair to me, now they gave that work to another team. Sadly, that team is not capable.

One reason behind this is, they know have no way to pay me back as I am not part of commercial team. So, they know I am not happy. They perceive this as protection about me. Should I appreciate this?

This is simply wrong attachment from my side. Really naive and stupid thing I did. Now, Saturday night, I am waiting for an output from a staff, cause no one can do review and connect the dots except me. What kind of “company” is this?

They are shameless and selfish. Thanks to this, casualty goes up and up – high turn over ratio and mentally fucked. But, they are still talking about management bullshit again and again. Yes. Management is barking like a dog (no insult to dog).

It’s not a good situation but I need to start seriously thinking about the exit plan. I was too naive and fucked. Without resolving this, I never get fully recovered from this atypical disorder no matter how much effort I put on myself.

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