Day 22 – warmth

  • When I am in dark abyss, she always reaches out and offers her hands to pull me up.
  • When I cry, even if she has a bad headache or a down day, first thing she does is patting on my back and making sure calm me down.
  • When I was soaked by rain, she gave me an umblella to make sure I would not wet.
  • When I first tried to quit smoking, after first small success, she gave me sweet reward.
  • She brought me a water bottle cause she worried that drinking water there without a cup was not easy for me.
  • Even arranged a dinner party for me so that I didn’t feel excluded
  • Since long time ago she sensed that I was suffering, so she gave different pills to cheer me up. Again and again
  • But I am the one who complained that pills were not working without knowing I had been sick and hurting her.
  • When I complain about something, she always has taken care of those complains
  • when I complained that my vision is not good anymore, she ran to the drug store in the middle of night to get the medicine for me and tried to comfort me
  • when I complained that my luggage is too heavy, she ran to the store and got me the speaker to make my travel light again
  • When I was in the middle of nowhere, she gave me all those surprise birthday presents which she prepared so long.
  • Each gift has different meaning cause she put such huge amount of consideration
  • Even if she knew I was not be able to be there for her birthday.
  • Worrying about me crying a lot, she gave me crying towels and put her perfume so that I can sleep well
  • Worrying about me travel a lot and keep losing stuff, she gave me eco bag.
  • And always try to be “pair” whatever she gave to me, even Kindle cover
  • she always plans and arranges things for me so that I can have a good time, sacrificing herself.
  • Even if she’s been busy and tied up with stressful work, always making time and even talking days off to take care of me.
  • She always have been talking good things about me to people even though I am not a good person.
  • When I told that I am suffering this disease, she has been studying about the disease so that she can take care of me even better as a therapist.
  • Even I was lying that I was not drinking or smoking, which made she suffered and hurt, she never gave up on me and come back again and again.
  • Just to take care of me.
  • Even before 061306, she has been always doing her best for me.
  • 360 degree and day by day, she has been taken care of me all the time no matter wherever, whatever, whoever, I was.
  • While I kept complaining and demanding her appreciation, not knowing how much efforts she has been putting….
  • On and on and on and on

Whenever I think about these, I cry. I cry hard.

Because I feel sorry how much pain she has been through. Because I feel sorry that I had been complaining again and again.

Because of this, I cannot really explain to her in simple terms when she asked me why I was crying. Because so much things were going through my mind.

Now, her health is not good. Must be because of the stress created by me. I cannot create stress to her anymore.

Now, it’s my turn to return her favor somehow. Now, I fully feel and know why this kind of warmth coming from her, I have more courage to put efforts to be recovered and return what I have received so far.

Like today 6:30 promise and tomorrow dinner promise, even the beginning is like a baby step. I need to come back step by step, stick to the rules and disciplines.

So that I can take care of her.

But I know I need to rebuild those trusts that I destroyed and I need to help her to heal her wounds caused by me first. I know it will take time and it will be different but as far as she won’t feel she are hanging in the cliff anymore, I will do whatever it takes.

When I am ready to take care of her, the way I take care of her will be different the before.

Way different.

Mature relationship with slow pace. Cause it will be long term and if we run too fast like before, we will be out of breath again.

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